I originally wrote this post on 23 December 2010.

It was prompted by a newspaper article but my life since, both professional and anecdotal confirms the message.

If you look at old videos or news reports of people in the street in the 50s, 60s, 70s, even 80s… they mainly look slim and smart.

What has changed?

Life has got easier with technology.

People buy a lot more clothes.

Why don’t they look better?

There comes a point in some marriages where the question is no longer can this be fixed but can I stay and still be myself.

For many people, choosing divorce is not dramatic. It is quiet. It comes after years of trying, compromising, explaining, waiting. By the time the decision is made, the emotional work has often already been done.

Going solo is not about failure. It is about recognising that the partnership has ended, even if the paperwork has not yet caught up.

The moment of clarity

Most people do not wake up one day and decide to divorce. The decision forms slowly.

It often starts with loneliness inside the relationship. A sense that you are carrying everything. That your needs are inconvenient. That your voice is tolerated rather than heard.

Sometimes there is conflict. Sometimes there is indifference, which can be worse.

The moment of clarity usually comes when you realise that staying costs more than leaving. Not financially, but emotionally and psychologically.

That is the point where going solo becomes an act of self-preservation.

The fear of doing it alone

One of the biggest barriers to divorce is fear.

Post written by a retired family law solicitor advocate

I originally wrote this post on 9 October 2006.

The advice remains the same.

The answer is no.

Divorce is a form of litigation and hence your interests differ from your ex's.

Most people who separate do not end up in divorce court.

They can reach a sensible agreement and simply wish for it to be made legal.

They cannot mediate because they are already in agreement.

They just want a solicitor to draft it.

Sometimes only one will instruct a solicitor.

This is not ideal because that solicitor has a duty to advise their client on the best outcome for them.

The other party, with no legal knowledge, may sign something not realising it is not in their best interest.

For example, monthly payments are always spousal maintenance (or child maintenance but there are specific legal restrictions in this regard), even if you think you are paying for the dog.

This leaves the door open for a future increase.

Or another bite at the capital cherry in the form of capitalised maintenance.

It is important to always seek legal advice.

It is an individual thing.

Some have already moved on and slip straight into a full on relationship with their lover.

Some never do.

There is a difference between healing and rushing to replace.

Psychology today states give it a year.

Here is a post I wrote on my Christian blog site, but it works well here too, I have removed the Biblical verses...

However...

If you don't yet allow God in your life... maybe being broken-hearted is a good time to consider letting him in.

Experiencing heartbreak is an almost universal human experience. It can be deeply painful and affect every aspect of your life. But despite how shattering it feels, the heart is resilient, and healing is possible. If you’re struggling with the end of a relationship and the emotional pain that accompanies it, the following tips can help guide you on a path toward healing and finding wholeness once again.

1. Acknowledge and Accept Your Feelings

One of the first steps toward healing from a broken heart is to accept your emotions. It can be tempting to push away feelings of sadness, anger, and rejection, but these are natural responses to loss. Give yourself permission to feel without judgment, and recognize that it’s okay to be not okay for a while.

As a former divorce solicitor..

I’ve seen it all...

Broken hearts,

Emotional rebounds,

Whirlwind romances during separation..

And yes...

The occasional rekindled marriage.

One question that came up again and again with clients was this:

“Should I date whilst I’m going through a divorce?”

It's tempting, and understandably so.

But while dating during divorce may offer short-term relief...

It can come with serious long-term consequences...

Both emotionally and legally.

Let’s take an honest and...

Practical look at the pros and cons of dating before your divorce is finalised.

Why People Want to Date During Divorce

Divorce is one of life’s most emotionally taxing experiences.

It's not just the legal process...

It's the heartbreak.

The upheaval,

and often...

A profound sense of loss.

It’s no wonder many people crave connection,

Comfort,

and even...

Distraction.

It is an individual thing.

Some have already moved on and slip straight into a full on relationship with their lover.

Some never do.

There is a difference between healing and rushing to replace.

Psychology today states give it a year.

Not every divorce is a mutual decision.

Some people are devastated at the loss of their previous life.

Some are shocked...

They never expected their partner would decide it was over.

The finality of divorce...

The forced change.

The loss...

All can have negative effects.

Post written by a retired family law solicitor advocate.

There is a familiar pattern in many unhealthy relationships.

An incident.

An apology.

A gesture.

Then a return to normal, until the next incident.

Flowers often arrive at the apology stage.

They are presented as evidence of remorse,

change,

insight.

A physical symbol meant to close the chapter and move things on.

For some people, they work.

Or rather, they work just enough to keep things going.

But flowers are not enough.

Many clients describe the same cycle.

Hurtful behaviour followed by gifts.

Angry words followed by affection.

Control followed by charm.

Each time, the gift is framed as proof that it will not happen again.

What matters is not the apology.

Let me count the ways...

to misquote our famous bard Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

Personal Growth

Maybe you have been stuck in a rut for years.

Maybe you have been stagnant in a comfort zone of misery.

Maybe you lost yourself in the misery of an unhealthy existence.

Divorce may force you to re-evaluate.

Take stock of your life.

Post written by a retired family law solicitor advocate

I originally wrote this post on 9 November 2006

https://divorcesolicitor.blogspot.com/2006/11/secret-wish.html

I know a young boy who attended his father's wedding recently. In the joviality of events he was asked to make three wishes by a passing drunken adult.

OK he said:

Number 1 - I want to be a famous footballer

Number 2 - I want my mum to stop being mean to me.

Post written by a retired family law solicitor advocate

I originally wrote this post on 2 December 2006

https://divorcesolicitor.blogspot.com/2006/12/get-police-on-your-side.html

In matters of domestic violence there appears a wide disparity in the advice people receive from the police.

I always advise my clients to call the police at the first sign of trouble. It is a priority of this Government to focus on domestic violence and racially motivated crimes so the police are supposed to prioritise such incidents. Not so when it comes to anecdotal incidents I've been told about.

" If you want to sort this out get your solicitor to take him to Court. That's what you pay her for."

"Next time you are involved in a domestic incident don't call the police."

" I know he's been convicted and told not to contact you but he may have called your number by mistake. If it happens again we will arrest him."

" I know she's admitted that she threatened to kill you, but she did not have a knife in her hand at the time and women can get away with saying such things so we will not be arresting her."

Post written by a retired family law solicitor advocate

More people are choosing to go it alone in the family court.

Some do it because they cannot afford a solicitor. Some because they have lost trust in the system. Others because they want control, clarity, and a say in how their case is run. Whatever the reason, representing yourself is no longer unusual. It is common. And it is not a sign of weakness.

Going solo is a strategic choice. But it only works if you understand what you are taking on.

Why people go solo

The cost of legal representation is the obvious driver. Full representation in divorce or financial remedy proceedings can easily run into tens of thousands of pounds. For many, that is simply not realistic.

But cost is not the whole story.

• 1. Communication Problems:

  • Lack of open and honest communication: Couples who struggle to communicate their needs, feelings, and concerns effectively often experience growing resentment and misunderstandings.

  • Poor conflict resolution skills: Inability to manage disagreements constructively can lead to escalating arguments and emotional distance.

  • Communication styles: Differences in communication styles (e.g., one partner being more expressive while the other is more reserved) can create barriers to understanding.

  2. Infidelity:

  • Breach of trust: Extramarital affairs can severely damage trust and intimacy within a marriage, often leading to irreparable harm.

By an Ex-Divorce Solicitor

You suspect your husband is cheating.

You have that sinking feeling in your stomach.

Something is off.

He is not quite himself.

You are not imagining it...

and you are not paranoid.

You are reacting to changes...

and often...

Your gut gets there before your brain does.

The first thing to do is stop spiraling.

The second is to get smart.

Here is your step-by-step plan for what to do next.

1. Pay Attention to the Patterns

The emotional divorce is as real as the financial one.

And it can hit far worse.

Suddenly your life is out of control.

You are thrown off track.

If you are the one who wanted the divorce...

You still have to cope with loss...

Loss of your dreams...

Loss of your previous life...

Loss of your place in society.

Divorce is still widely viewed as a negative life event. That perception does not come from the legal reality of divorce, but from deep-rooted social, cultural and emotional assumptions that have built up over generations. Understanding where those views come from helps people make clearer decisions when a marriage is no longer working.

Traditional values and expectations

Many cultures and religions promote marriage as a lifelong commitment. The idea of staying together “for better or worse” is treated as a moral benchmark. When a marriage ends, divorce is often framed as a failure rather than a response to circumstances.

There is also a strong cultural attachment to the traditional family unit. Marriage with two parents under one roof is often idealised as the safest and most stable structure for adults and children alike. Divorce disrupts that image. As a result, people can feel pressure to stay in unhappy or even harmful relationships simply to maintain appearances or avoid judgment.

These beliefs still influence how people view divorce today, even though family life has changed significantly and many marriages now look very different from those traditional models.

When Passion Turns to Hate

Most relationships do not end because people stop caring. They end because something that once felt intense and close becomes painful, resentful and, in some cases, hostile. Passion and hate sit closer together than many people realise. Both are driven by strong emotion, unmet expectations and emotional dependency.

In divorce work, this pattern is common. Couples who once described each other as soulmates now cannot be in the same room without conflict. Understanding how that shift happens helps people recognise when a marriage is no longer healthy.

The early intensity

Passion often comes with idealisation. At the start of a relationship, people focus on connection, attraction and shared hopes. Differences are minimised. Red flags are overlooked. Compromise feels easy because the emotional reward is high.

Divorce is not inherently “right” or “wrong”. It is a legal and personal decision, shaped by individual circumstances, relationships, finances and family life. Yet many people struggle with guilt or doubt because divorce is still framed as a moral issue rather than a practical one.

In reality, divorce sits in a grey area. It can carry serious consequences, but it can also be the least damaging option when a marriage is no longer workable.

The emotional reality of divorce

Divorce is often emotionally difficult. Even when separation is mutual, it involves loss, change and uncertainty.

For children, divorce can be particularly challenging. Many experience anxiety, sadness or behavioural changes, especially where parents are in conflict. Children tend to struggle most not with the separation itself, but with ongoing arguments, instability or being caught between parents.