I originally wrote this post on 23 December 2010.

It was prompted by a newspaper article but my life since, both professional and anecdotal confirms the message.

If you look at old videos or news reports of people in the street in the 50s, 60s, 70s, even 80s… they mainly look slim and smart.

What has changed?

Life has got easier with technology.

People buy a lot more clothes.

Why don’t they look better?

There comes a point in some marriages where the question is no longer can this be fixed but can I stay and still be myself.

For many people, choosing divorce is not dramatic. It is quiet. It comes after years of trying, compromising, explaining, waiting. By the time the decision is made, the emotional work has often already been done.

Going solo is not about failure. It is about recognising that the partnership has ended, even if the paperwork has not yet caught up.

The moment of clarity

Most people do not wake up one day and decide to divorce. The decision forms slowly.

It often starts with loneliness inside the relationship. A sense that you are carrying everything. That your needs are inconvenient. That your voice is tolerated rather than heard.

Sometimes there is conflict. Sometimes there is indifference, which can be worse.

The moment of clarity usually comes when you realise that staying costs more than leaving. Not financially, but emotionally and psychologically.

That is the point where going solo becomes an act of self-preservation.

The fear of doing it alone

One of the biggest barriers to divorce is fear.

It is an individual thing.

Some have already moved on and slip straight into a full on relationship with their lover.

Some never do.

There is a difference between healing and rushing to replace.

Psychology today states give it a year.

Here is a post I wrote on my Christian blog site, but it works well here too, I have removed the Biblical verses...

However...

If you don't yet allow God in your life... maybe being broken-hearted is a good time to consider letting him in.

Experiencing heartbreak is an almost universal human experience. It can be deeply painful and affect every aspect of your life. But despite how shattering it feels, the heart is resilient, and healing is possible. If you’re struggling with the end of a relationship and the emotional pain that accompanies it, the following tips can help guide you on a path toward healing and finding wholeness once again.

1. Acknowledge and Accept Your Feelings

One of the first steps toward healing from a broken heart is to accept your emotions. It can be tempting to push away feelings of sadness, anger, and rejection, but these are natural responses to loss. Give yourself permission to feel without judgment, and recognize that it’s okay to be not okay for a while.

As a former divorce solicitor..

I’ve seen it all...

Broken hearts,

Emotional rebounds,

Whirlwind romances during separation..

And yes...

The occasional rekindled marriage.

One question that came up again and again with clients was this:

“Should I date whilst I’m going through a divorce?”

It's tempting, and understandably so.

But while dating during divorce may offer short-term relief...

It can come with serious long-term consequences...

Both emotionally and legally.

Let’s take an honest and...

Practical look at the pros and cons of dating before your divorce is finalised.

Why People Want to Date During Divorce

Divorce is one of life’s most emotionally taxing experiences.

It's not just the legal process...

It's the heartbreak.

The upheaval,

and often...

A profound sense of loss.

It’s no wonder many people crave connection,

Comfort,

and even...

Distraction.

It is an individual thing.

Some have already moved on and slip straight into a full on relationship with their lover.

Some never do.

There is a difference between healing and rushing to replace.

Psychology today states give it a year.

Not every divorce is a mutual decision.

Some people are devastated at the loss of their previous life.

Some are shocked...

They never expected their partner would decide it was over.

The finality of divorce...

The forced change.

The loss...

All can have negative effects.

Post written by a retired family law solicitor advocate.

There is a familiar pattern in many unhealthy relationships.

An incident.

An apology.

A gesture.

Then a return to normal, until the next incident.

Flowers often arrive at the apology stage.

They are presented as evidence of remorse,

change,

insight.

A physical symbol meant to close the chapter and move things on.

For some people, they work.

Or rather, they work just enough to keep things going.

But flowers are not enough.

Many clients describe the same cycle.

Hurtful behaviour followed by gifts.

Angry words followed by affection.

Control followed by charm.

Each time, the gift is framed as proof that it will not happen again.

What matters is not the apology.

Let me count the ways...

to misquote our famous bard Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

Personal Growth

Maybe you have been stuck in a rut for years.

Maybe you have been stagnant in a comfort zone of misery.

Maybe you lost yourself in the misery of an unhealthy existence.

Divorce may force you to re-evaluate.

Take stock of your life.

• 1. Communication Problems:

  • Lack of open and honest communication: Couples who struggle to communicate their needs, feelings, and concerns effectively often experience growing resentment and misunderstandings.

  • Poor conflict resolution skills: Inability to manage disagreements constructively can lead to escalating arguments and emotional distance.

  • Communication styles: Differences in communication styles (e.g., one partner being more expressive while the other is more reserved) can create barriers to understanding.

  2. Infidelity:

  • Breach of trust: Extramarital affairs can severely damage trust and intimacy within a marriage, often leading to irreparable harm.

The emotional divorce is as real as the financial one.

And it can hit far worse.

Suddenly your life is out of control.

You are thrown off track.

If you are the one who wanted the divorce...

You still have to cope with loss...

Loss of your dreams...

Loss of your previous life...

Loss of your place in society.

When Passion Turns to Hate

Most relationships do not end because people stop caring. They end because something that once felt intense and close becomes painful, resentful and, in some cases, hostile. Passion and hate sit closer together than many people realise. Both are driven by strong emotion, unmet expectations and emotional dependency.

In divorce work, this pattern is common. Couples who once described each other as soulmates now cannot be in the same room without conflict. Understanding how that shift happens helps people recognise when a marriage is no longer healthy.

The early intensity

Passion often comes with idealisation. At the start of a relationship, people focus on connection, attraction and shared hopes. Differences are minimised. Red flags are overlooked. Compromise feels easy because the emotional reward is high.

Divorce is not inherently “right” or “wrong”. It is a legal and personal decision, shaped by individual circumstances, relationships, finances and family life. Yet many people struggle with guilt or doubt because divorce is still framed as a moral issue rather than a practical one.

In reality, divorce sits in a grey area. It can carry serious consequences, but it can also be the least damaging option when a marriage is no longer workable.

The emotional reality of divorce

Divorce is often emotionally difficult. Even when separation is mutual, it involves loss, change and uncertainty.

For children, divorce can be particularly challenging. Many experience anxiety, sadness or behavioural changes, especially where parents are in conflict. Children tend to struggle most not with the separation itself, but with ongoing arguments, instability or being caught between parents.

This can be soo scary even to think about.

Maybe you put on a brave face...

Even with yourself.

So much denial.

You pretend to your friends you are okay.

Pretend to your family everything is fine.

Maybe even pretend to your partner things are good.

But...

Secretly...

Fed up?

Bored?

Lonely in your relationship?

Dislike your spouse?

Can't stand your partner?

Repulsed by their presence?

Annoyed by their every word?

Bored by their jokes?

Annoyed by their faults?

Hate their habits?

Fed up of their family?

Really tired of looking at them?

Feeling sad?

Deciding whether or not to get a divorce is a deeply personal decision that requires careful consideration. There is no universal answer as to when it is the “right” time, as every relationship and situation is unique. However, here are some factors to consider:

Self-Care During Divorce: It’s Not a Luxury... It’s Survival

Divorce is one of the most stressful things you’ll ever face.

The legal process is draining.

The emotional fallout is worse.

If you don’t take care of yourself, everything else suffers...

your health,

your decisions,

your future.

Here’s what real self-care looks like during a divorce.

When is divorce a good thing?

There are many reasons.

Personal Growth

How so?

Maybe you've been stuck in a rut for years.

Maybe you've been stuck in a stagnant, comfort zone of misery.

Maybe you lost yourself in the sadness of an unhealthy existence.

Divorce can force you to re-evaluate.

To take stock of your life.

Change.

Improve.

Maybe even and here's the buzz phrase of the day...

Glow up.

It may help you to get to know yourself.

Understand who you are.

Embrace your faults.

Accept them at least and embrace your assets.

And you may even dive into a sense of self-awareness you never knew was possible.

It might not be as bad as you think.

According to this study...

Focusing on someone new relieved the anxiety of missing your ex.

Their longing for their ex was disrupted.

Maybe.

Or maybe this was just a side-effect of time playing out.

This can be soo scary even to think about.

Maybe you put on a brave face...

Even with yourself.

So much denial.

You pretend to your friends you are okay.

Pretend to your family everything is fine.

Maybe even pretend to your partner things are good.

But...

Secretly...

Fed up?

Bored?

Lonely in your relationship?

Dislike your spouse?

Can't stand your partner?

Repulsed by their presence?

Annoyed by their every word?

Bored by their jokes?

Annoyed by their faults?

Hate their habits?

Fed up of their family?

Really tired of looking at them?

Feeling sad?

Lonely?

Depressed?

Need to do something?

Divorce can occur for a variety of reasons, including:

1. Communication Issues: Constant misunderstandings and lack of effective communication can lead to frustration and conflict.

2. Infidelity: Betrayal through cheating can destroy trust and intimacy in a relationship.

3. Financial Problems: Disagreements about money management or financial stress can strain a marriage.

4. Loss of Intimacy: A decline in emotional and physical intimacy can create feelings of disconnection.