If you can't be with the one you love...
We all know the line. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with. It's supposed to be optimistic. Accepting. Wise.
But what if it’s nonsense?
Lots of people I speak to in divorce are still quietly grieving the one they really loved.
Not the person they married.
Often not even the person they lived with.
But someone else.
A past relationship they never got over.
A path not taken.
A version of themselves that no longer exists.
They tell themselves they moved on.
They settled down.
Had kids.
Bought a house.
Built a life.
And they did.
But part of them was always somewhere else.
And eventually, that catches up with you.
Love Is Not Always Logical
We’re not taught how to deal with loss when the person you loved is still alive.
When they didn’t die, but just weren’t available...
or didn’t want you...
or weren’t right at the time.
So instead, people do the “sensible” thing.
They move on with someone who ticks the boxes.
Looks good on paper.
Keeps things stable.
But inside, there’s a dull ache.
A sense that something is missing.
Because it is.
Settling Is a Slow Death
If you marry someone to forget someone else, it rarely ends well.
It’s unfair to you and to them.
You can’t build intimacy on absence.
You can’t fake chemistry.
And you shouldn’t have to.
But people try.
They push down the doubts.
They convince themselves that reliability is enough.
That love grows.
That attraction fades anyway.
That passion is for the young.
They learn to numb it out.
Until something cracks.
An affair.
A breakdown.
A sudden exit.
It’s not always about betrayal.
Sometimes it’s just exhaustion.
Pretending is tiring.
Being “grateful” when you feel trapped is soul-destroying.
You reach a point where staying feels dishonest.
The Past Isn’t a Place to Live
Still, chasing after the past won’t fix anything.
You can’t go back.
Even if the one you loved reappears, they’ve changed.
You’ve changed.
And sometimes, the idea of them was always better than the reality.
What matters is honesty now.
Stop lying to yourself.
Don’t stay with someone out of duty or fear.
Don’t sleepwalk through decades, mourning what you never had.
It’s okay to leave.
It’s okay to want more.
It’s okay to admit you were never truly in it.
Moving Forward, Not Backward
Divorce is hard, but living a lie is harder.
If you’re ending a marriage because it never felt real...
be kind to yourself.
You’re not broken.
You just couldn’t force something that wasn’t there.
And if you're the one being left, and you're hearing all this for the first time...
know it wasn’t about you.
People make choices based on pain, not just love.
It doesn't mean you're unworthy.
It means something was missing, and it wasn’t your job to fill it.
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