Are you on the rebound?
Why Rebounds Can Seem Like a Lifeline
It might not be as bad as you think.
There’s an American study from Brumbaugh & Fraley (2015, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships) that found rebound relationships can actually help people recover from a breakup faster.
A new connection can boost self-esteem, reduce longing for the ex, and distract from pain.
That’s the theory.
But in practice... it depends.
If you’ve just come out of a long-term relationship, especially a marriage, you’re likely to be emotionally raw, vulnerable, and unsure who you are without that old identity.
That’s when people fall headfirst into a new relationship that ends up being little more than a painkiller.
How to Know If You’re on the Rebound
There are warning signs. Here are the most common:
1. The New Partner Looks or Acts Like Your Ex
If you’ve picked someone who resembles your ex... they even have the same dog... that’s not a fresh start. It’s an illusion. And illusions don’t last.
2. You’re Desperate
This is the biggest red flag. If you're lowering your standards, ignoring bad behaviour, or falling for anyone who gives you attention, you’re not in love. You're escaping loneliness.
I knew a man who sent the exact same message to 50 different women. The ones who replied... he pursued like his life depended on it. It didn’t work. They could smell the desperation.
3. You Can’t Be Alone
If your anxiety spikes when you're alone... if silence feels unbearable... and if you're obsessively using dating apps, arranging constant dates, or flirting with inappropriate people just to avoid stillness, you’re not dating... you’re avoiding grief.
Why It’s a Legal Concern Too
In the UK, you can date during divorce proceedings…But…
be smart.
If you’re still living together and you parade a new partner, expect it to affect negotiations.
The other side may become less reasonable... more hostile.
And if you’re the one still financially entangled with your ex, you could be seen as moving on too fast while the dust hasn’t even settled.
Judges don’t care who is sleeping with who... but they do care about conduct that affects the children or finances.
If you’re still legally married, jumping into a new relationship can complicate your divorce. In financial proceedings, the court considers conduct only in rare cases (see s.25(2)(g) Matrimonial Causes Act 1973). But cohabiting or committing to a new partner too early can reduce your spousal maintenance claim or make judges less sympathetic about your "needs".
Also, if children are involved, moving a new partner in too soon can affect child arrangements. Courts focus on stability and emotional wellbeing. A parade of “new partners” undermines your position as the stable parent.
What to Do Instead
Don’t fill the gap with another person.
Feel the pain... go through it.
Cry.
Get therapy.
Volunteer.
Take a trip alone.
Spend time with people who don't want anything from you.
When you help others, it shrinks your own pain.
And when you do get into something new... it’ll be real.
Deal with the pain head-on.
Write.
You need to feel whole again on your own... not rush to find someone to plug the emotional hole.
Final Thoughts
A rebound can work... but only if you’re emotionally honest. If you’re using someone else to avoid facing your loss, it will crash and burn. Worse, it could leave you even more damaged.
Give yourself time. The right person doesn’t need to be a plaster. Let healing come first.
Need Advice?