Thought about mediation?
Post written by a retired family law solicitor advocate.
Thought About Mediation?
Most people think mediation means sitting in a room being forced to agree.
It does not.
Mediation is not marriage counselling.
It is not therapy.
It is not someone telling you to “be nice” and give in.
A mediator is neutral.
Their job is to help you both discuss practical arrangements and see whether agreement is possible.
Children.
Money.
The house.
Pensions.
Maintenance.
School arrangements.
Holidays.
Who pays what.
Who lives where.
Who keeps the dog.
All the things that cause arguments when people separate.
Do You Have to Mediate?
In many family cases, you are expected to attend a MIAM before issuing a court application.
That means a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting.
Not full mediation.
Just an initial meeting to see whether mediation is suitable.
There are exceptions.
Domestic abuse.
Urgency.
Safeguarding concerns.
Some cases where mediation is plainly unsuitable.
So no, you should not be forced into mediation with someone controlling, frightening, manipulative or abusive.
That is not safe.
And it is not productive.
When Mediation Can Work
Mediation can work where both people are willing to be sensible.
Not necessarily friendly.
Not necessarily happy.
Just sensible.
If both of you can sit down, disclose your finances, listen, compromise and focus on solutions, mediation can save a fortune.
It can also save months of stress.
Court is slow.
Expensive.
Uncertain.
And once you are in the court process, you lose control.
A judge may make an order neither of you really wanted.
Mediation keeps more control in your hands.
When Mediation Does Not Work
Mediation does not work when one person is hiding money.
Or bullying.
Or refusing disclosure.
Or using delay as a weapon.
Or sitting there pretending to be reasonable while manipulating everything behind the scenes.
Do not confuse “trying mediation” with allowing yourself to be walked over.
If someone is not negotiating in good faith, you may need court.
That is what court is for.
Get Advice Before You Agree
This is the important bit.
A mediator cannot advise either of you.
They cannot tell you whether the deal is good for you.
They cannot say, “Do not agree to that, you are giving away too much.”
So get legal advice alongside mediation.
Especially before signing anything.
Especially if there are pensions, property, businesses, debts or unequal income.
And remember this:
A financial agreement reached in mediation is not automatically legally binding.
You need a proper consent order approved by the court.
Otherwise, you may think it is sorted…
When it is not.
Final Thought
Mediation is worth considering.
It can be quicker.
Cheaper.
Calmer.
And better for children.
But only if it is safe.
Only if there is proper disclosure.
Only if both people are genuinely trying to reach a fair agreement.
Used properly, mediation can keep you out of court.
Used badly, it can waste time and leave you exposed.
So think about it.
But go in with your eyes open.
Get advice.
Know your options.
And do not agree to anything just because you are tired of fighting.
Need legal advice about separation, infidelity, or divorce?
for straightforward, strategic advice from a former solicitor advocate.